all you ever wanted to know

so my love of history, especially world war II, combined with some free time have led me to read the book "night" by elie wiesel. the book (which isn't long if any of you would like to read it) is written by a concentration camp survivor (elie). the basic theme, however, is of the journey he was on and how it led to his loss of faith in God. after reading so many stories like those of anne frank and cory ten boom and how they remained faithful and loving - for frank until she was ultimately killed, it was a reality check to read the story of someone who had been so faithful and eager to learn about God and who just found it to make more sense that God can't be real.

"never shall i forget that night, the first night in camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed. never shall i forget that smoke. never shall i forget the little faces of the children whose bodies i saw turned into wreaths of smoke beneath a silent blue sky.
never shall i forget those flames which consumed my faith forever.
never shall i forget that nocturnal silence which deprived me, for all eternity of the desire to live. never shall i forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. never shall i forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. never." elie wiesel, "night"

his words are so moving and harsh and you almost want to agree with him that there is no way it could be possible for God to ordain something so horrible and unimaginable. but then i think of the "screwtape letters" which c.s. lewis was writing around the same time that wiesel was experiencing all of this and in it the devil is telling is nephew (screwtape) that it is important for humans to think that all the lies he (the enemy) tells us are our own thoughts. if we were to suspect that they are lies from the enemy, we would be able to fight them with the power of the Holy Spirit. in any case, i can't imagine being in such a terrible hell-on-earth sort of a place, not even believing in the Messiah (elie, like most orthodox jews, didn't believe Jesus was the Messiah) and losing faith in the one thing that had ever made sense in my life - God.

"He was not the only one to lose his faith during those selection days. I knew a rabbi from a little town in Poland, a bent old man, whose lips were always trembling. he used to pray all the time, in the block, in the yard, in the ranks. he would recite whole pages of the talmud from memory, argue with himself, ask himelf questions and answer himself. and one day he said to me: "its the end. God is no longer with us.
and, as though he had repented of having spoken such words, so clipped, so cold, he added in his faint voice:
'i know. one has no right to say things like that. i know. man is too small, too humble and inconsiderable to seek to understand the mysterious ways of God. but what can i do? i'm not a sage, one of the elect, nor a saint. i'm just an ordinary creature of flesh and blood. i've got eyes too, and i can see what they're doing here. where is divine mercy? where is God? how can i believe, how could anyone believe, in a merciful God?" elie wiesel

i think the most amazing thing about this book is that despite his comments to the contrary, it is most evident that he still believes in God, but can't make sense of the world around him. there is still a fear though...a reverent fear of God that keeps him searching for answers. i can't even begin to understand what those people went through and say that it would be easy to remain faithful, but i think the difference is believing in a personal God who desires a relationship and the belief in an impersonal God who just seeks out those who need to be punished.

"i simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...i think...peace and tranquility will return again." anne frank